Depression and Anxiety by Aisha Touray

About Me

I’m just a girl growing wings and advocating mental health. I have struggled with depression and anxiety for years now. I used to find it very difficult to talk about my struggles with depression and anxiety because of the stigma associated with mental health illnesses. I wanted to scream it out to the world, get all my thoughts and feelings out in the open. I did not want to be trapped in the thoughts hiding within the darkness of my mind. I wanted to be open about it, but I never had the courage to. My anxiety always had the best of me, and sometimes I didn’t have the energy to confront my own emotions. I just avoided it and acted like everything was fine. I was scared of being judged, rejected or even seen as weak. I was afraid of the stigma surrounding mental illness. When you share with the wrong people, it doesn’t always work out how you want it to. It takes a lot of trust and honesty to talk about myself, even with those closest to me. I used to pick at my fingers daily, sometimes without even noticing it, to calm myself down. I often used to lay at home on my bed, staring at the ceiling and think. Mind racing, dark, sad thoughts go through my head, and I can’t seem to stop them. I cried a lot. Memories of happier times haunted me, and I begged for them to come back.

My depression and anxiety changed my life. It’s an awful thing to experience. It has impacted my relationship with my family and friendships, how I act, think, and interact with others. I just wanted to be invisible and not speak to anyone, so I wouldn’t have to talk about myself. It assures me no one wants to hear it because no one cares. It affected how I sleep, how often I eat, my memory and my concentration. I fought every day; It was constant. It was exhausting. But I didn’t want to give up, just yet I decided to seek help and forced myself to do things I once enjoyed doing.

How things are going now

I wanted to see myself win again and be happy and master how to control my emotions. I started to spend a lot of time in nature. I took pictures of sunsets, went on long walks; it made me feel refreshed. I read books on self-help and listened to podcasts too. I just wanted a fresh start, so I moved out for university and started fresh in a new city. That change of environment was needed. I felt like I was living again; I felt empowered, especially when I began studying mental health nursing; it helped me understand my mental state at a deeper level.

I am a Muslim woman and trusting God again and getting deeper in my faith gave me something to hold on to. Most people in my community mistake mental health illnesses as a punishment from God; this is false. And they also mistake it for sadness. Sadness is an emotion; it’s part of life, but depression is an internal and severe illness, just like any other physical illness. Having faith and believing in something greater than me helped me find peace. I take my no’s as something better was coming for me. I do not beat myself up about it; I just silently whisper words of encouragement to myself daily, for example, “don’t worry, you are enough”, “girl you got this”.

I started doing things that I wouldn’t normally do, like going to the gym and going on solo dates. I began to Meditate and doing yoga. I even buy myself flowers sometimes. I made targets that I would like to complete before the day ends. Every time I achieved these targets, I felt fulfilled as I set myself to do something and stuck to it. I also went to therapy which I enjoyed; it made me understand myself more. It allowed me to forgive and let certain things go. It gave me confidence; I even started my own small business. I didn’t let my anxiety stop me. I was not going to let it win. I wanted to win so badly I wanted to see myself happy and healed again. I have my days, but I do not let my bad days stop me or beat me down; I challenge them. I treat myself and talk to myself like someone I love. Some days can be challenging; I might even cry sometimes, but I always get back up by reminding myself how much I have overcome and how much further I can go.

Book recommendations

• Timeless seeds of Advice (Islamic book)
• Walk with wings (Tene Edwards)
• Letters to a daughter I never had (Judge Lynn Toler)
• What every woman needs to hear (Sean L. Brereton)
• You are badass (Jen Sincero)
• Clap when you land (Elizabeth Acevedo)
• The rules of thinking (Richard Templar)
• Don’t forget your crown (Derrick Jaxn)
• Good vibes good life (Vex King)
• The power of discipline (Daniel Walters)
• As a man thinketh (James Allen)

Podcast recommendations

• Women of impact

• Stephan speaks